Today, I’m writing this blog to all who have been struggling with depression. My heart is aching not just because I can feel their struggle, but because I struggle with them. This blog will come off as unfiltered, but I want to reach out to those who need to read this

Since the last months we all know has been challenging. We can’t deny how greatly pandemic affected all of us around the world. But for those who are in the deep, the ones who are on the edge, the ones who are in the dark, it only feels darker, deeper, pushed farther off the cliff it hasn’t been easy. It is not only a battle in the head but also a chaos in the heart. You feel too much, you have had too much, you think too much. To what feels like an isolation (or has been isolated already) because of lockdowns and movement restrictions would feel suffocating, literally and mentally. I felt it too. That kind of isolation where thoughts run deeper than it was before. You think of your life, where you are, what you’ve become, why are you alive, what do you want to be, where do you want to be, what do you want to have. You think about your decisions, your regrets, your mistakes, your mishaps, the heartbreaks, the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the hate, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, and your sorrows. You think about the people around you, the people you are with, what they think of you, what you think of them, what you feel towards them, what you want from them, what they want from you. You think about how to escape, how to stop, how to end things.

You think. You think. You think.

And then you feel.

You feel the rush of emotions from every thought. The deeper your thought goes, the heavier your emotion gets. You feel like you are about to burst. You feel you have had enough. You don’t know what to do about the way that you feel. You’re even afraid to ask. You feel it’s better to deal with it alone. You can do it alone. You can get over it. But you didn’t realize how heavy your emotions really are until you just got exhausted to even do something about it. You feel disappointed, useless, and worthless. You tried to reach out. People sympathize, tried to cheer you up, gave you all positive sayings they all can find in the world. But you realize most people are not there for you, doesn’t feel you, understand you, hear you, see you. You felt the empty words from random cheers. You saw the insincerity from shallow sympathies. You hear overused positivity and it is aggravating.

You shut off.

You can’t hear. You can barely feel worse enough than you already are. Your thoughts run deeper. You are filled with confusion, unanswered questions, and emotions running wild.

Why? Why? Why? And every other questions you could ever think of.

Thoughts runs deeper. You feel heavier. Tired.

And then, you hit rock bottom.

What should you do? (What did I even do?)

Is there really a way?

One day I found an app where you write letters and it would be placed in a bottle and toss it to the sea. Then, anonymous users can pick up that bottle and either send you a message, give you an empathy*, or send a gift. You can also do it with the bottles you found. The atmosphere of the app as a whole is very calming, light, and unexpectedly no judgment. You can treat it as a diary and go all out. Or be somebody who can share the same thoughts and feelings with the person writing their diary. It wasn’t anything like a social media application. And that is why I got attached to it. Every day I write things that go through my head, the sudden feeling, even the deepest feelings I have. I write the things I wanted to say, the unspoken words I kept long in my heart the emotions that have been bottled up for so long even the most random things that I can ever think of. And every day I encounter different types of people with different types of problems and struggles. Sometimes I just read through their posts. Sometimes I pick up their bottles and cheer them up as well. There were also times that I converse with them and give them advice. Ironic, right?

How can someone give something to others when they have nothing? How can someone say something to cheer others up when they themselves aren’t happy, or just even positive? How can someone be somebody to others when nobody was there for them?

Just recently I found a post something that goes along “what keeps you going on in life”, or “what’s the purpose of living if you haven’t found the reason to live”. It was deep. And I can’t imagine what is exactly going on in that person’s head but it came across as if that person was pushed to the edge. I couldn’t bear to just read through it and do nothing. I reached out to that person. Usually, people just reply giving thanks for the cheer but somehow that person’s reply reached my heart. It was like a relief from your chest after all the things you’ve been bottling up. And that was all you need. To pour out and somebody listens to you. There were days when it was the other way around. Them picking up my deep-run thought bottles and cheer me. Some would say the most common cheers but there are also some who put in effort to compose the words to help cheer me up. And I really appreciate it. You would just know how they exactly feel with the words they say.

But all throughout, what brought me to this point of thinking is, “I am not the only one.” Basically, it’s not really about the app. It only helped me see how people are in a different lens and broader perspective. I could see how different people have different struggles that it made my own problems or struggles seem smaller. It brought a halt to my train of thought. These encounters also made me realize no matter how petty you think a person’s problem is you just can’t really judge it because you don’t know what they really feel and go through. The only thing you can do is just be there for the person and that is enough. Sometimes it’s easy to say half-baked words when you are not the one at the end of the rope. Not that I say people should go through the same thing in order to understand or be able to sympathize with people who are depressed. But sometimes even if you can find the right words to say it becomes void. I used to think of this whenever I could sense people trying to say things to ease me, “I know that already”, “It’s not new. Do you have anything else to say?”, “I’ve heard that already”, “You just say that but you don’t really understand.” And maybe for others, there could be more. I myself will not deny how dark it is when my own thoughts run deep, overwhelmed by my emotions, and at the same time suppressed. I went from different stages of dark, emptiness, and loss and not even my closest of friends know about it. I shut off myself even if it means to show them I’m doing fine. I had my fair share of struggles to a point that I think such things as, “what am I even doing with my life?”, “what should I even do about my life?”, “is this life worth living?”, “do I even deserve to live?” And for years I could just simply say it is really really really exhausting. It came to a point also in my life where all the feelings and emotions I felt, the heaviness I feel in my heart made me numb. It was like whatever the struggle or the problem made me feel like it is normal and that I deserve it anyway so I wouldn’t really care. It was no longer a feeling of thrill surfing – riding the ocean waves that would make you want to overcome it but feeling it like a strong wave passed through you and being carried away. I thought there was no end to this vicious cycle. I did think it could be better to end ones life in order to get through it. But I was wrong. That is not even a shortcut in life. It’s a scam to make you think it would make things easier that way but it really isn’t. I don’t know all the answers to the whys and how’s, you, the lost, disheartened, depressed people have. I don’t even have definite answers to any of mine. You might ask me how not ending things is an option. It never was. Where could I even find some stings to cling onto? Where did I find the capacity to even put all of these deep dark thoughts and emotions to words for people to see and know?

First, here’s my answer to the person I mentioned that I recently encountered.

“If you can’t find reason to live, you haven’t lived enough to find that reason [purpose]. But I hope you don’t give upon it easily just because you haven’t found it yet. Life doesn’t always go the way we want but we still have a chance to live the best of it while we are alive. I hope you’ll find the courage to live the best of life even without a reason [purpose].” (paraphrased)

Honestly, as I was composing that message to that person it bounced back to me. I gave myself some advice as well. To make it clearer, what I’m really trying to say is, the reason why ending one’s self is not an answer because we were only given one life to live and two is a miracle. If you take one chance to live a life, a life with many opportunities and choices to choose from, you wouldn’t know what would’ve been right and how will it turn out good for you if you take away that chance. Hear me, I say this to myself too to be reminded, you and I always always have a choice. We are responsible to ourselves – mind, body, heart, soul, and spirit. We have a choice to even not choose but all of those choices lead one way or another affect the course of our lives. I used to think I don’t have a choice under my circumstances but when I really think deeper about it found more what could have been turned out differently if I chose to choose even the unfamiliar. We are responsible also to the choices we make. Because again, the choices we make affects us, just as how we are responsible to ourselves. You and I have a choice to let our thoughts run deep, or let our hearts and feelings go wild. We can feel, we can think, we can say, or not, everything but how we choose how these thoughts, feelings and words spoken affects, us is up to us. Even I haven’t found my ultimate purpose why am I even existing in this world, but like I also said, I will not find it if I stop searching for it. Life is played forward. If I will choose to let life past by me without me doing anything might result to undesirable, unpleasing outcome. What could be worse is that I might not ever find that purpose and it will all be for naught.

Second, my answer to my previous questions of how’s is, as I learned and saw that I am not the only one struggling I thought why not be there for one another. I may be no one but a strange and nothing to give to people struggling with depression like me, at least I can give them attention and be there for them even if no one could do it to me. I thought if no one could say something to me that could help me cheer up and not give me half-baked words I can just do it to other people who need to hear it the most. If nobody could be there for me at least I can be there to the people who needs someone for them the most.

You might say, you are tired of waiting for that moment when what you chose turned out right and well for you. We all do. As I even share, I became exhausted. I might still be but I choose not to dwell on it. I hope you are not just waiting and doing nothing. The thing is, we are only human that, again we don’t have the power to make life turn out the way we want it and how we want it. Leave the impossible to God to be possible. Find a place or an activity wherein you think you can be able to find rest and your mind at peace. What I do is journals and this, blogging. Writing lets my mind go wild and at the same time in order. But maybe in the end you might think that you haven’t found what you have been looking for and it’s making you feel weary, one thing I know is for sure you might be looking at the wrong places. Don’t ever give up.

Third answer to the question where do I get the strength and courage to be like this, moving on – going on life is, by the grace of God.

So for us who are in deep thought with a deep heart, you are not alone in what you are going through. The reason to go on may come after as long as you and I go on and keep going. If it is difficult to reach out to people find different channels to let your thoughts and emotions flow such as setting a time to ruminate. Exercising alone also helps your body release toxins from your body and creates a way to clear your mind. For some taking a vacation could help. A change of environment can help you discover yourself and so much more. Do things that you think can help you stay “sane”. What I normally do would be taking myself to the movie theatre and watch comedy movies. There are a lot of ways to conquer the deep without being drowned by it. All it takes is a choice. And I hope you all can find the courage, strength, and love that you need wherever you may be.

In light with World Mental Health Day, I hope you take care the pace in your mind. Keep going!

Notes:
*Empathy is a term used as “Like” or “Heart” in social medias.