I am twenty-five years old now and how my life has been, is still null. Ever since I graduated in college and mapped my way through my career, I have been feeling amiss in everything. I got caught up by my own plans and desires and yet still not ending up where I wanted to be. Or so I think I wanted to be. Now that I think about it with all these pandemic and crisis stuff in the world, I look at my life then and look at my life now, and the life I wanted to be, my goals and dreams seems to be out of reach and it has been my reality now. I realized I have only been working hard not for my dreams. I was never fueled or driven by it in the first place. I have dreams, yes. Big ones. But in the end I have also reached to a point now that I actually don’t have to have BIG dreams I just want to have a goal and get there even for just a day in my life. I feel like I wasted my four years head-start to reaching my potential. Now I’m just getting by to what life gets to me. I dreamed of owning a building and having my own shops in it such as coffee shops, internet café, and a boutique. I have pursued a career in business and yet in the end I was stuck with the question “how will I get there?” I have no skills in fashion designing even if I will try to study one. I thought so that it was my passion only to realize now I have low tolerance in unnecessary detail or accessory to put in oneself. All the more, I can’t even picture myself passionate in dressing up other people or styling them. Later on I realized I was not exposed on that field either and so I decided let it go and pursue a different business. And here comes another dilemma, thinking that I can plan through another business goal like pursuing coffee shops despite the competition, money became an issue. I got myself unnecessarily into an investment that is for the business per se but I could not even keep up paying for it. I ended up wasting away months of salary for it. And I’m still wasting away my salary now for unnecessary things I realized won’t even buy me a house. So the issue of money also led me to a resolve that maybe I can start a business with my friends and I can grow from there. But I was aiming too high or that I was aiming at the wrong direction thinking that my friends and I are on the same business-mind-page. We actually pushed through a year after our plan to start and got on hold again because of the pandemic. Early this year my career and goals became an issue, and so is this business in question. I tried so hard to think on what I may be good at. And I suddenly feel like I’m not good at anything. I love a lot of things but not passionate about said things. Later on it got to me after my trip abroad that I’m only good in organizing, no, planning. Planning small events, no; planning for itineraries, budgets, and the likes. And that I love about travelling, which led me to the business idea of travel agency – online travel agency that allows someone to plan the trip for you in your budget. As I was starting to put it in initial process I was again stuck with the question “how would I make them pay for me to plan for them?”And then there’s the pandemic in the equation as of the moment that made it harder to see through it. Here I am now six months after ruminating again with all of these things. I ask again myself where I really want to be. What do I really want to become. It’s like as time goes by I’m feeling unaccomplished and unproductive. I may have resolved the two questions as of the moment, lying it at rest for it is a journey set before me, but I can’t help but think of what I need to do on this journey. What should I be doing on this journey? What will make me be equipped in finding out the answers? What will make me ready for those answers?

I always leave open questions and left wandering what answers will it be.