Allow me to write this openly on my blog.

Allow me to say these things.

If I were to face you, meet you or bump into you somewhere, someday – in one of these days, I want it to be just us. And if I were to say something at that very moment, the first thing I will say is, “how have you been?” And I will smile like I normally do. I’m going to keep it short like how short the time is that we’ve spent together at the beginning of our friendship. I’ll find the courage to just act normally. And if I won’t, I might find myself running towards you and embrace you the moment your eyes meets mine. And the first thing I might say is, “I miss you”, just as how I have been meaning to say that ever since you came back. I wouldn’t care how things were left between us, I will say it still. I might go all the way again with follow up questions, “have you been well?” “how is your heart?” “how is your walk with God?” “do you feel better now?” I can start with that without you realizing I’m asking for a little more time with you. Goodness, I sound so pathetic. But if you were to ask for us to meet and talk, I will say and act differently. I will ask all the why’s, what for’s, and so what now. I could be blunt from the minute we start talking until the last minute. I will not withhold anything that is going on with my head and heart even if it could hurt you. You know how I’ve done it before.

I have pictured it in my head a lot of times. How am I going to react, what am I gonna say, what will I do if that day comes. But regardless of the situation, this is what I really wanted to say. Yes, I have been missing you. And the fact that I do is the very reason why I’m writing this down. Writing helps me organize my thoughts very well. I have been dealing these things since that day we cut off our ties. And yet, even if I miss you, I’m putting it to an end. Even if I have had my hopes high of you, of us, I am also putting it to an end. Even if I was getting crazier each day about you, how I feel for you, I’m ending it too. I want it to end not because you’ve hurt my feelings, or that I lost my faith in you – in us. It is not because I am tired and even if I am tired. Not because I want things differently now, or that I desire for someone else that I want my feelings for you to end. I want it to end if it will or that is the only thing that will allow me or let me fully obey God’s command for me. I have held you dearly in my heart for years. But I love God more that I must let my heart be set free from you, occupying most of it. I have grown to like you more before we could even give a definition to our relationship. I have tendencies to give more than what I could and before I realize it I’ve given more because I love. But this understated friendship-relationship we have had, I will also no longer hold on to. I can’t find the energy and drive nor the consideration to still be friends with you. I have liked you too much that I don’t think I can still handle us to be friends. Just friends. It’s either we’re gonna be acquaintances, strangers or lovers. I don’t know what words to say to make it less harsh or hurtful. This time I won’t choose myself to protect you from myself like I did before. And I’m not choosing myself now either because the world says “self-love, or knowing ones worth”. I have known how to love myself yet it is not the answer or the cure for the pain I went through. This time I choose my God, my Saviour, my first Love not for you, but out of my love for Him even if I cannot give more of what is His. I choose the Lover of my soul over you. And I’m assured that you understand it well. I let you go along with my hopes of you and us. I no longer entertain anything that will say otherwise about us. As much as I miss you, I still, no, I too, don’t want to be with you. I will no longer have to think if it’s really gonna be us in the end. I don’t want to live the “what if’s” of life. I lay rest all of it in God’s hands who knows best. I don’t hate you, for what you did. In fact, it is the other way around. I am grateful that God allowed me to go through this to see His plans and purpose in my life. I have realized that I am still not ready for you, nor to be in a relationship even if it’s not with you. And I can only be myself if I find myself satisfied in Christ everyday. And so, this is my fair share on us. If love is a choice, I choose my love for God over you. I want to obey God, so I won’t choose you.

Sincerely,

SAM♡

God has placed significant people in our lives for specific purposes. As I was going through series of wrestling with God about His command to me to surrender the person I was holding on to, I was reminded of the story of Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac as a burnt offering. Sometimes, or most of the time it is what we hold dear the most that God wants to deal in our lives. Sometimes it become so sublte that we didn’t realize it has overtaken God’s place in our hearts. When I was able to finally come in surrender to the will of the Lord I was able to see and understand why I have to go through what I had gone through. I was able to see more of who God is as the author of my life and love story. When Abraham said, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.”(Genesis 22:8, ESV) his faith is on the Lord still that in obedience God will be pleased by his faith. In the same way I realize it now how my mom kept repeating that word to me when I shared to her about my heart’s battle. “The Lord will provide.” It may not be with the way I know how. But even before God asked me to surrender this He has already prepared the way for me. And the only thing I need to do to get to that point is to obey. The Lord will provide cause He is faithful. That’s who He is. He will provide the way to meet my partner in the future. He will provide a partner. He will provide my path to a future. He will provide for me to get through my hurt and sorrows. He will provide a way for me to move on. He will provide a way for me to go on. He will provide the love that I need the most in Him. He will provide the comfort that He alone my Father could give. The Lord will provide the joy I can only find in Him. The Lord will provide more than what I could ask for. I just have to be in faith and obey. And, in obedience, I surrender for the Lord is more than enough for me. What could ever satisfy me apart from Him?

Psalm 63:1-8

¹ You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
⁷ Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me